When Your Sandbox Looks Suspiciously Like A Litter Box
Getting along with difficult people at work (or anywhere)
For this week’s post, I interviewed my cats, Ella and Ember, to talk about litter box etiquette and the challenges of sharing a small space with a colleague. Just kidding. But a common topic among all professionals is what to do when you encounter a difficult person in your work sandbox, especially when burying them is not an option.
There is no “I” in T-E-A-M. However, there is definitely one in IRRITATING.
In a new book, Getting Along: How to Work with Anyone, Amy Gallo reviews eight types of difficult coworkers: (1) the insecure boss, (2) the passive-aggressive peer, (3) the pessimist, (4) the victim, (5) the know it all, (6) the tormentor, (7) the biased co-worker, and (8) the political operator, and provides strategies tailored to dealing constructively with each one. In my humble opinion, Gallo does not share enough types to cover the gamut and forgot some of my personal favorites, the sociopath, the pathological liar, the “keep everyone in their tiny box” person, and the “untouchable” one.
In my experience, there are certain commonalities between all of the difficult types (even my additional ones). Most notably, the difficult person can derail your success and the larger achievements of the team. This commonality of impact is a great place to start as you consider how to best navigate the situation.
Ideas on how to deal with difficult people could fill more pages than a 1980s encyclopedia set, but below are some key ideas that are common across most of the difficult personality types.
Think like an independent scientist and diagnose the situation
First, evaluate how the individual’s particular behavior influences outcomes and impacts the world around them. Maybe it’s employee morale, maybe it’s effectiveness or quality of delivery, or even the reputation of the group. Then, start to think like a project manager (hmm…this tip sounds familiar). For each impact that the person has, brainstorm what you believe the behavior and the root causes of the behavior are or could be (and be generous). If you’ve ever been to HomeGoods, you’ve surely seen the sign that says “You never know what someone is going through, so be kind.” But, what HomeGoods does not offer for $7.99 is the ability to take this concept to the workplace, where you may never know someone’s true motivations or the personal challenges that might cause terrible behavior. However, with careful observation and curiosity, you can make a pretty good guess. If that guess is carefully isolated from your emotional response to them, it will likely be an effective place to start making changes. And yes, those changes will be exclusively from you, because just like your mom told you, the only person you can change is yourself.
Curiosity may have killed the cat, but it may save your sanity.
Armed with your project plan, an easy place to start is to have a conversation with the person. Most people love to talk about themselves, so use this as an opportunity to ask them about their goals (both for the team and in their own career), what concerns they have about the delivery of those goals, how they like to receive information, what their opinions are about where the organization is and where it’s headed, and what keeps them up at night, if anything (careful here, they may be too arrogant to admit that they worry about anything). For people like “know it alls,” asking them for advice on a challenge you are facing can sometimes be effective too. Share where your goals are aligned, and use it as a springboard to find common ground.
Another approach is straight out of the really old but really helpful book, Getting to Yes by Ury and Fisher. View the interactions with a difficult person as a negotiation between parties, and utilize those great negotiation skills you’ve learned along the way to avoid “digging in” on positions.
Learn even more through observation
In addition to observing your own interactions with the person, and those of your team, also pay close attention to the people who are either immune to the challenges with this person, or who effectively work with and navigate a relationship with the person. Consider what they might be doing differently? For example, are all of your suggestions to this individual based on feelings and employee morale, while the more successful person is more focused on presenting concepts, even about people, with data? This may be a clue that the person really responds better to data-driven rather than emotional information, or vice versa. What about their manager and the executives they report to? What are those relationships like? Is there any result or approach that you can model or borrow from this person that might help you be more effective in certain situations or when interacting with them and their chain of command?
Find ways to appreciate and leverage the “difficult” traits
The easiest example here is the pessimist. I love pessimists to the very core of their dark hearts. Why? First off, they remind me of Eeyore, and Eeyore is who got me my first job. See how I’ve already established an affinity in your mind for what might otherwise be a difficult person? That’s step one, find a way to appreciate the difficult trait.
Sidebar: How did Eeyore get me a job? I was interviewing at an investment firm for my first job after college, in a horrible job market. I wanted to be a corporate trainer, and they were hiring a trainer to teach investment people. Problem: I was a sociology and communications major who did not know the difference between a stock and a bond. I knew so little about finance that I could not even answer the basic screening questions at the beginning of the interview. The executive I was meeting with said, “Let’s try this. Who is your favorite cartoon character and why?” I answered Eeyore, because no matter how bad his situation is, he always gets up the next day to try again. I was just a kid trying to get a job then, and I really did not recognize or fully appreciate at that point that resilience is the key to success. But the executive did. I did not get the trainer job because my learning curve was too long for the immediate need, but I did get a job offer that included the development opportunity of a lifetime in a field that I still find fascinating. And I ended up with a better role in the company than the training job after just a few months. Most importantly, that executive gave me the gift of a great talent attraction lesson. Go for the smart, curious person with a resilient attitude. Not only will this give you the best talent, it allows your diversity and inclusion program to thrive because you aren’t limited to individuals in the particular field or industry that may not be organically diverse enough. Bottom line, you can teach a smart and curious person the technical things they need to fill the gaps. You cannot teach attitude, curiosity, resilience, or energy. In fact, your difficult person was probably hired for some technical skill or aptitude along the way, and now you are faced with a successful individual who is not really prepared for the relationship-based necessities of their role.
Step two, find the right “informal” role for the characteristic. Continuing the example: pessimists, when in the right environment, are terrific additions to the team because they are typically fantastic issue spotters. In their mind, if something can go wrong, it will. So have them weigh in on plans, identify gaps, and areas for potential issues. This way, your way-forward strategy is insulated as much as possible from risk. In addition, since they are now a part of the solution and a more valued member of the same team that you play on, they will likely feel less negative.
Refine how they see you
Sometimes, the core of a difficult relationship is that the other person sees you in a certain way, or wants to categorize you in a way that fits their own narrative of the world. Using the popular novelist “show don’t tell” approach,1 think of ways that you can show through your behavior that you are not that person at all. For example, if they have decided that they don’t value you because you are too soft and emotional, the simple behavior of communicating with more data and less feelings will illustrate that their assessment is inaccurate. Conversely, if you have a boss who only sees you as the role you were ten years ago, make visible efforts to show the growth you have made since then by volunteering for projects outside of your comfort zone, asking questions about areas you are not responsible for, and if the categorization is more behavioral, show that you can flex in a variety of situations.2
Keep score
As with any project, as you try different techniques, pay attention to what works and what does not. This will allow you to refine the relationship and your reaction to it as it grows and changes. For example, if the person continues to talk only about their own goals instead of those of the larger organization, you may want to ask less open-ended questions focused only on them, and start to ask more detailed questions about specific consequences and outcomes in order to motivate them to refine their thinking toward a common goal.
What if YOU are the turd in the litter box?
One of the hardest things to admit to ourselves is when we are “the difficult person.” Maybe you are the micromanager, or the know-it-all, or some other member of the dysfunctional Breakfast Club of the workplace. What do you do? First, admit it. To yourself, and to the people around you. Then, ask for feedback on how to improve. Solicit ideas from people who are good at what you are not. And understand the “why” - because unlike when you are dealing with the “black box” of another person, no one knows you better than you. Maybe it is lack of confidence, maybe it is that you are managing to the expectations of a difficult boss that demands perfection, or maybe it is some other reason. These difficult conversations and introspections will give you the perfect “project plan” to improve.
Ultimately, dealing with difficult people no matter who they are “comes down to facing the reality of a difficult relationship, acknowledging any ways in which your own perspectives about it might be off or you might be contributing to the problem, setting a goal for how to improve it, taking the high road in trying to do so, and bringing in others or distancing yourself if all of that doesn’t succeed.” And if your difficult person is untouchable and also an utter disaster like the Beyond Meat COO3 (and you’ve discharged any duties to report violations of company ethics code and gently suggested the employee resource program (ERP) for any substance abuse or mental health related challenges), sit back, pop some popcorn, and wait for them to bury themselves.
Still have NaNoWrimo novel writing on the brain. More than 12,000 words in toward my 50,000 word goal!
This might also work with your mother if she still sees you as your twelve year old self. Or not.
I think this may call for a game of Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon replacing our beloved Ren with Tyson Foods. Can you spot the connection between the Beyond Meat COO and this guy?